I don't even have the words to start this blog post. I'm extremely sad that I'm even writing it. I feel numb, in shock, and just broken to my core.

Early last month I saw her mom make a post on FB and it mentioned wanting to get Jackie out of the hospital and into a hospice facility. My heart starting racing and I thought to myself. Hospice??? Why would she go into hospice care. I quickly went to her Facebook and also her page where she updates the latest with her in her journey scouring to read more. I was panicking when I heard the word hospice as I have only known hospice means you are nearing the end and I was like no no no. Not Jackie. She's going to be fine! She's doing fine! She has a UTI but I thought she was doing fine. This can't be right. Most comments I read were saying prayers for her but one mentioned to pray for her friend's family who is saying goodbye too soon.

I completely lost it. I was making my kids lunches getting them ready for school and I went into my food pantry, shut the door and sobbed. I just kept thinking this can't be right, I must be reading it wrong. She can't be dying. Oh God, please tell me she isn't dying!!!

Today, Jackie went to be with Jesus. I can't stop sobbing as I type this. My heart hurts so deeply.

I never heard Jackie talk about death. Not once. Her hope was in Jesus and I know she is with Him and there is so much comfort in that, but oh the sadness I feel today. She was always so positive. She was constantly posting Bible verses on healings and healing podcasts and testimonials and speaking life over her body and this awful disease. Her faith was so so strong.

I know this may sound ignorant, but I truly believed Jackie would get through this. Her passing away truly wasn't even in my thought process. It has completely caught me off guard, somehow.

There is a lump in my throat having to find my hard drives and pull out these photos. It is devastating for me looking through them. She is my age. Mid thirties. She is so young. She loved her family so fiercely, such a good wife & mom. I'm truly heartbroken and at a loss for words. I feel so angry at cancer and that this evil disease ripped away my friend from her family. I just cry every time I think about it. How do you say goodbye to your children at such a young age, knowing the heartache that will come for them without you in their lives? And how do you watch your children say goodbye to you? It wrecks me to my core. Their lives were changed forever today. Oh Jesus, please hold them so close. May they always know how much their mama loved them and may her memories never fade. Give them a peace that only you can bring Lord. Without you Jesus there would be no hope. Give John the strength to carry on and raise their children. Give Him so much grace Father, hold him close as He comforts his kids, while grieving deeply himself. Jesus hold her parents so close, we should never watch our children leave this earth. Comfort her brother Jesus, sisters are so special, how heartbreaking it must be. It's just not fair. Jesus surround them all with so many who will love on them, support them, bring food, encouragement and endless hugs. Jesus may they stay ever so close to you through this dark time and cling to you and only you to carry them through.

As broken as I am right now, I know that God is good. God's plan and will wasn't for HIS daughter to have cancer and suffer and leave her husband a widower and her children without their mother. Just gonna be completely honest....if you believe that, please refrain from commenting a "God must have had other plans for her." "God needed her more." "Sometimes God's will is hard." "God is in control" or any comments like this on this post because it will be deleted. It bothers me to no end to hear people talk like this. You must not know the God I know, because my God is good ALL the time and doesn't give His children cancer! Just like you or I wouldn't give our children cancer to teach them something. (And yes, I know the Old Testament story of Job, in case you're wondering). We live in a fallen world full of sickness, disease, evil and tragedy. This isn't our eternal home. So don't put every tragedy on God like it's His fault. As if He's to blame. Or as if it's His good and perfect plan. I'm just so sick of hearing these false doctrines. Sorry, not sorry.

As I shared above, Jackie told me God gave her peace and that she believed He would use this in her life and in others lives. I do believe that God uses hard things in our lives for His glory if we allow Him to. I do believe He brings beautiful things out of tragedy. I do believe He brings good out of the bad. But please do not mix that up with "This was God's plan for Jackie's life. To die in her thirties of a horrible disease and leave her 4 children without a mother and to leave her husband to raise them without the love of his life." That was NOT God's plan. It's the result of living on this earth and having to endure hardships. God using our trials for His glory and God GIVING us the trials are two very different things. And I believe a lot of Christians have this mixed up - but that's for another post, another day.

Jackie, my life is forever changed from knowing you friend. I'm heartbroken. I'm sad. I cry every time I think of you and John and the kids. But I rejoice and take comfort in knowing you are with your Savior and free of this long battle, but oh how I wish your ending had been so much different friend. I truly believed it would be so much different. I'm still in shock.

You praised Jesus in the storm, Jackie. You truly did. It says so much about who you were and WHOSE you were. Your peace was found in Jesus - the only one who can bring peace during our lowest of lows. God is pleased with you friend. I can only imagine what it must be like to be with him today. Our hearts hurt and grieve here on earth, but thinking of you pain free and whole and hanging with Jesus, it's pretty incredible.

I'll miss you so much, but know one day, I will see you again. What a day of rejoicing that will be. I love you, girl.